Erm...'Bout That...

I'm sorry, but due to the absolute maelstrom of college preparation and packing I have to do, I will not be able to do a summer review-athon as promised. I may do the minor articles at a later date, but as it stands right now, you should only be expecting a full summer review some time after I get settled in at college. Sorry to all of you rabid readers out there, but this pony's got other fish in the box.

Summer Review-athon

Well, I don't know how it happened, but it's August. One short, sweet month left of summer vacation. In honor of these precious days, we'll be taking a look back at all kinds of crazy summer-related things in lieu of or in addition to the normal reviews...probably the former. All of this will lead up to the grand finale when I gave you the MitC official rating of Summer 2009.

Stay tuned...

Green Day: 21st Century Breakdown

In the past decade, I don’t know what there have been more of: those who have flocked to Green Day over the new sound and approach they toyed with in American Idiot, or the long-time fans who cried blasphemy when they didn’t hear the same old sound they’d fallen in sweet, sweet love with. The two camps immediately went at each others’ throats in message boards all across the interwebs. Arguments broke out, volcanoes erupted, and the moon went into hiding somewhere out past Saturn. It truly was a mess. Well, for better or worse, I’m here to tell you that I don’t see the madness ending any time soon because 21st Century Breakdown falls into American Idiot’s groove, and does so marvelously.

Much like the album that preceded it, 21st Century Breakdown ventures into the world of political commentary, though this time around it feels a bit more subtle. The storyline follows the characters of Christian and Gloria and their relationship and hardships and whatnot. If I’m being perfectly honest, I’ve only pieced together general ideas and portions of the story, so I’ll leave that to you readers to figure out in whatever way is most meaningful to you. The reality is that the story is there for those who are interested, but you won’t really miss much if you choose to ignore it entirely as the music stands well on its own.

That being said, while there are no tracks I would ever call bad, some are definitely stronger than others. “¡Viva la Gloria!” is one of the stronger ones, starting with a piano and vocal combo, and breaking into a much faster tempo for the remainder of the song. “Peacemaker” is an almost western-sounding (for lack of a better term) tune that has a great driving acoustic guitar line. Add to this “¿Viva la Gloria?,” which has an eastern-European sound to it, and the old radio-style “Song of the Century,” and it’s apparent that there is a wide spectrum of influence. “Horseshoes and Hand Grenades” comes off as a nod to Green Days older material, and is probably the closest you’ll find to that classic sound on this album. And of course, there are the shameless ballads, such as “Last Night on Earth."

On the flip side, some tracks rose minor concerns. “Know Your Enemy” might serve a purpose in setting tone for the story, but it grows old quickly with its unusually repetitious lyrics and melody. “21 Guns” is a great song and has a grand feeling about it, but it is a bit reminiscent of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” The closing song on the album, “See the Light,” is a bit weak (especially lyrically) in comparison to the rest of the songs offered, and it’s all the more noticeable as the parting song. “American Eulogy,” the song that precedes it, would fit much better as the final song. But that’s just my humble opinion.

FINAL VERDICT

“21st Century Breakdown” is by no means a life-changing album, but who says it needs to be? It’s got plenty of strong tracks, many of which will lodge themselves so deep in your head, you’ll need a black hole to suck them out. If you liked “American Idiot,” you’ll probably like this one. If you just crawled out from under a rock and you’re new to Green Day, you might want to pick up the “International Superhits” album to get up to speed first, but you won’t go wrong starting here either.

Tangerine With a Side of Fries

Motorola Krazr

Readers, I want you to know that I sat here for days on end, deep in thought, trying to decide what to review. I mean, this is our first review. It had to be absolutely incredible. People would have to break down and cry rivers of emotion after they read it, "FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS MY VIEW OF THE WORLD!" But instead, I decided to rip on my phone.

Say hello to the Motorola Krazr.

Now you might be thinking, "Golly, Josh, that seems like a pretty cool looking phone, especially in your beautiful Paint representation. You must get tons of babes when you pull that out." Alas, this is not the case. And even if it were, I bought my phone for communication purposes, at which this device fails with flying colors.

I took this baby out of the box roughly two years ago, excited to have a phone that didn't require me to maintain a vigorous cardio routine to carry it around. I did all the normal new-phone activities...messing with the banner, trying out the camera, adding all the contacts from my old phone that I would conceivably talk to, and laughing at the contacts that were in there for reasons unknown to me. Meanwhile, my sister was bragging about her new Samsung Alias. Deep in my heart, I knew that karma would be sweet, that the statements made in online reviews about my phone being great and stable, and her phone being a flimsy piece of scrap metal, would eventually become very evident.

The first sign I received, indicating that I misunderstood karma completely manifested itself in the first week of ownership. I found myself at the Verizon Wireless store in the mall, waiting an hour for them to find a replacement phone. My outside screen had burnt out completely, and what good is a phone if you can't take it out of your pocket to quickly check the time? I figured it would be an isolated incident though and attributed it to bad luck.


Wrong. Just under a year later, while I was away at a summer program, my phone apparently decided to contract a near-fatal disease and fail me yet again. My vegetable of a phone could receive calls...and that was about it. I couldn't actually hear the people that called, nor could they hear me. And with the inside screen not lighting up, texting was out of the question. I was tempted to spike it onto the pavement from my second story window, but visions of my warranty being voided stopped my frustrated thoughts from becoming a fairly expensive reality.

The bad news is that I'm now out of warranty. The good news is that I get a new contract, and therefore, a new phone, in a little under two months. I write to you now in possession of my THIRD Krazr in a year and a half, and karma has yet to turn my sister's phone into dust. Meanwhile, my phone continues to freeze mid-text and reset without saving a draft, tell me my battery is empty when I've just taken it off the charger, and on occassion, refuses to recognize my keypad inputs. I went to write a scathing review on Verizon's website, but it appears that at this point they've (unsurprisingly) stopped carrying the model. Good riddance.

FINAL VERDICT:
While this review will likely not help many people now that the phone is no longer being offered, perhaps you'll look twice before buying a Motorola. Or perhaps you'll learn to take online reviews with a grain of salt. Or perhaps you'll stop counting on karma. That's not up to me to decide. However, bottom line, if you see your friend thinking about buying a Krazr on eBay, punch him/her in the face. It'll sting, but it'll save them some pain in the long run.

Cabbage in a Moldy Sneaker

Greetings and Our Rating Scale

For those who haven't yet had the pleasure of listening to one of our fine podcasts (Monsters in the Closet), the first thing you need to do is stop reading this blog and go listen. Seriously. You're missing out. The rest of us will wait for you.

......

Ok, now that those losers are gone, welcome to Monstrous Reviews! This is going to be an extension of the podcast, updated whenever we feel like it, where we tell you what we think of various people, places, foods, games, movies, actions, planetary alignments, etc etc. Look at it as the slightly eccentric love child of Carson's Movie Reviews and On The Clock.

Finally, it's important to note that this blog will be using a rating scale that was started crudely in the podcast. The scale ranges from "1" to "Banana," with all of the steps in between laid out in glorious detail (FINALLY) below.*

• 1 -Absolute garbage, an experience similar to listening to the Jonas Brothers on indefinite repeat.

• Cabbage - Just barely tolerable. If you're REALLY bored, you might find a minuscule amount of entertainment value here.

• Watermelon - Nothing incredible, but it won't kill you to pay attention to it.

• Tangerine - An enjoyable experience with a few minor flaws that prevent it from being spectacular.

• Banana - Near perfect. Plus it goes great with peanut butter on some toast.

In addition, there will be two rankings that enhance or detract from a rating. "With a side of fries" indicates that the actual rating is slightly higher, and "In a Moldy Sneaker" indicates that the actual score is lower. (eg, A ranking of "Banana in a Moldy Sneaker" would be slightly better than a "Tangerine with a Side of Fries" but not quite a "Banana."

If you're still confused, and the way the review is written doesn't tip you off enough, consider yourself a 1 in a Moldy Sneaker.

*Note that this rating scale does not apply to any ratings given during season one of Monsters in the Closet and is solely in effect from this day forward...unless we change our minds.